If These Walls Could Talk

So, today, when I was in the library (my newest point of inspiration, as you can tell from my last post), I started thinking about moving. And to tell you the truth, it's gonna be a bit hard. This might sound dumb, but I'll sort of miss Room 322-yeah, the one that can barely fit two people in it ; ). This is coming from the girl who was ready to call college quits and move home at the beginning of the year. Boy, have I come a long way! Even a few months ago, though I was finally used to it here, I was actually considering transferring. As I sit here today, I wonder, "What in the world was I thinkin'?" God has done so many amazing things in my life this year that I can't even begin to describe.

Looking back, it's just so obvious that He was in every part. From sending me my angel roommate Shawn, to my amazing Mom who talked me through tough times on the phone, to even my church, Calvary Chapel, my story throughout this past school year is nothing but God-inspired. I have grown stronger and more deeply rooted in Christ, as I was separated from my closest girlfriends, who I typically relied on for support. Almost every night the first month or so, I would cry and cry and just pray for God to send me some friends like them. And He didn't. God didn't bless me with an amazing group of girls like my friends from Lake Placid. Though that was the desire of my heart, it was not the desire of His. He wished to see me stretch and build my faith, without being dependent on other people around me. He loved me too much to leave me the way I was.

How grateful I am that God sees the big picture and knows what's best for me, even when I can't understand! Sure, I've met friends, but not engaging in the same type of relationships I had in Lake Placid. God called me outside of my box to meet people who needed to know who He was, and praise the Lord, my new friend Jean came to know Jesus. My roommate Shannon, well, we're still working on her ; ). Just the other night, my teammate from my Persuasion class (yes, there is a class on that. lol) had dinner at Quarterdeck with me; out of nowhere, she began asking about my faith and said she wanted to come to church with me. Unfortunately, she couldn't make it this week due to finals, but I will definitely be making a trip down here this summer to go with her! God is at work here in Fort Lauderdale, and what a blessing it is to be a part of his miraculous plan!

Now, I see purpose in each day. I see purpose in every person that I run into. I finally realize that God orchestrates all this for a reason. I had always heard it, but never really lived it with conviction. Going into finals, I am so much more relaxed than I have ever been. Tina, a fellow LEAD 1 resident on my floor, said last night, "Why are you so peaceful? It's finals week, and you're not freaking out." No, Tina, I'm not. Because I have discovered a peace that surpasses all understanding, a peace that calms every worry and gives me a safe place to rest each and every moment. I know that I may face challenges, and quite often, challenges I can't handle. I have to pray through it and give it to God. It's all in His hands. When I really began believing that, it changed my life. When I really trusted that God allowed certain things to happen and other things not to happen, I was amazed. I used to stress out and get all agitated when things wouldn't work my way; but, now I know that if something doesn't happen, it is because God didn't want it to. Life just gets so much easier when you embrace that.

I know Room 322 didn't actually change me, but the lessons I learned at the feet of my Savior here make it hard to leave. When I surrendered to the One who knew me intimately before I was even born, I learned that He was much more capable of taking care of me than I was capable of taking care of myself. I'm not gonna sugar coat it and say it was all easy- it was hard. But the reward? Oh my! God's love unleashed, His blessings pouring down like rain, His hand evident in every move…that is something I don't ever want to live again without. The knowledge that my Savior sustains me daily is more precious than any college lecture I could ever hear.

If I could do it all over again, with the tears and the loneliness and the pain, would I? Absolutely, because I have never been more fulfilled or alive in my life.

If these walls could talk, oh, what would they say,

Of the college girl who lived here each and every day?

Would they recount the first months of her endless tears,

Or describe her confusion when faced with her fears?

Would they laugh at silly memories that often were shared,

Or tell of the routine that daily she fared?

If these walls could talk, and tell a story in time,

I believe that those listening would probably find…

That in her tears, she saw Light that shined brighter than the sun,

And in her fears, she found Refuge to where she could run.

She found joy and happiness not on her own,

But by trusting her Savior, who reigns on the throne.

She found a love that soaked deep in the depths of her heart,

And a God she could trust with her life, every part.

But if these walls could talk- not even they could detail,

Of the life that was altered day to day without fail.

No, not even they could understand the depth,

The importance of transformation occurring with each breath.

'Cause it's something she herself can barely, with words, capture,

A story so God-like, beautiful promise from disaster.

If these walls could talk, oh what would they say,

Of the college girl who lived here each and every day?

ADD? Just a little…

So, I'm sitting here in the library trying to get my exam reviews done before the week starts. And I just can't focus, but I think for now, this is a good thing. Remember in my last post when I said you should check out Kim Walker's song? Scratch that- check out her whole CD (Here is My Song)! I just downloaded it a couple days ago, and I can't get any of the songs out of my head, especially the ones called "Spontaneous Song (insert number here)". There are five on the CD. The best one has a line that continues to ring in my heart "I am my Beloved's, and He is mine." Isn't that just crazy? I belong to Him- I belong. Yeah, maybe at this college, I'm not the "cool kid" or the "popular one," or "the best dressed," but I have a place to belong. And that is wrapped up securely in my Savior's arms. He is mine forever. And as soon as I hear that, an immediate smile beams on my face and I am filled up with uncontainable joy. I just wish more people could see the God I've seen lately- His love has taken over my life, and I will never be the same. Each day, I learn of His goodness and drink deep of His strength, trusting Him more and more. Each day, I yield a little bit more until finally, I am free of these burdens and dance the dance I've always dreamed. No, not the waltz or the tango or the foxtrot. I've always had this image of happiness- when I hear the word, I think of myself as a child in a white sundress, spinning in a tall field of grass with hands held high to the sky and my face directed towards the golden sun- relishing in the moment, and feeling the warmth radiate on my skin. It's an instant of complete and utter happiness and purity, where nothing else matters. "I am my Beloved's, and He is mine." Kim Walker captures exactly how I feel in her songs- I love the little nuggets of truth sprinkled in the simple lines. Just when I think I've got it, God reminds me of another promise that blows me away. Okay, well, back to studying I suppose- that is, if I can focus ; ).

He Loves Me

Every petal...He loves me.

Gosh, do you ever have those days that it just hits you…it hits you how incredibly amazing and passionate God's love is for us? I go to a college group called Eikon on Wednesday nights at Calvary Chapel. This Wednesday, the worship leader spoke about how lately he's been feeling tired and worn out, and I could totally relate. And while he mentioned the worldly things that were weighing on him, he mainly spoke out about his realization that God is just so much bigger than we can fathom. He played this song acoustically, reminding us that we are broken people and that God can redeem our brokenness and make us whole. He can restore our strength.

God loves us. God loves me. Every word in those sentences is important.

God- the creator of the universe, the holy, set-apart, sovereign, all-powerful, all-knowing, God. Loves- not with a human love that is changing, but with a love so incomprehensible and deep that it is almost too good to be true (praise the Lord it isn't!) Me- He loves me? He loves me! Me…a sinner, a fallen human being who so often gets caught up in my own little world that I forget that my Redeemer, my First Love is calling out to the depths of my soul and will move heaven and Earth to show His great love for ME! And for you. Do we forget that? Do we forget that in the midst of our pain, our trials, our weakness, He loves us, and that's really all that matters. This song that they played on Wednesday night is absolutely amazing- He loves us. Let's embrace it and live our lives reflecting that very fact. It's the core of the Christian faith- God's perfect, unfailing, sweet, sweet love for us. I don't think I'll ever get over it-gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. My favorite version of the song is by Kim Walker and it's called "How He Loves." You will definitely want to check it out on iTunes to purchase- trust me, once you hear it, you will be addicted!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoC1ec-lYps

He is jealous for me,

Love's like a hurricane,

I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

And I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so, oh, how He loves us, how He loves us so.

He loves us, oh, how He loves us, oh, how He loves us, oh, how He loves!!!!!!!!

Yeah, He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh, how He loves us, oh, how He loves!!!!!

We are His portion and He is our prize,

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes.

If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss (we sing "and reminds us we're His" at Eikon),

And my heart turns violently inside my chest,

I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way….

He loves us so, oh, how He loves us, how He loves us so.

He loves us, oh, how He loves us, oh, how He loves us, oh, how He loves!!!!!!!!

Yeah, He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh, how He loves us, oh, how He loves!!!!!

P.S. Mr Keith, this would be a great song to incorporate in worship one weekend, like one weekend when I'm home...starting two or three weeks from now *hint* hint* lol...no pressure though! : )

Hollywood, Here I Come...maybe?

Last week was exciting, way too busy, and a lot of fun all wrapped into one! I auditioned for a part in a local series called "Hall Pass," a program designed to prepare middle and high schoolers for life. As they called it, "reality TV with a learning curve." ; ) My roomie, Shawn, emailed me the casting call, and I debated whether I should go. I had so much to do and, like I said all week, "not enough time to do it all." But, nonetheless, I figured- why not? If I didn't grab the opportunity, I would have always wondered what could have happened. So, I decided to see for myself. Before I went in to audition, I prayed that God would use me if this is what He wanted, and if not, I knew He had other plans for my life. On Tuesday night, I received a "call back" for Thursday afternoon. I started studying the script and practicing my lines. I got there just in time (class kept me later than expected) and was actually the last of the final six to audition. The set was so neat- like something you see on TV, complete with the "green room" for animation effects and huge cameras and lights. I was like a kid in a candy shop- acting "Hollywood" for a few minutes of fun. The audition went awesome and the producer and camera people were all so friendly and encouraging. They made me feel right at home. And now, for the results (DRUMROLL PLEASE!)...............................................................................................................I didn't get the part. Yeah, maybe not what you expected or wanted to hear, but moral of the story: "Carpe diem!" Just cause I didn't end up on top, doesn't mean I didn't learn a few things and have a good time on my short journey as a red carpet starlet (lol). So, do something today that you wouldn't normally do- life's too short to live the same day twice!

Easter "Funnies"

Just in case anyone needs a little laugh...well, I thought it was funny ; ).

Those Were the Days

I remember the bliss…of spinning in my dad's arms as we danced in the living room to blaring Jimmy Buffet music. I would get so excited when he'd dip me down- that was my favorite part. And I remember the dreams…the dreams I had as a five-year old, ready to take on the world. Nothing was too big to accomplish, and no task so small that it didn't seem significant in my eyes. I remember the play…the 24/7 all out fun and games (even at school, I considered each task a joy). I also remember the friends…my "cool girls club" (yep- that was the name) that I played with during recess. And I remember Mac n' Cheese with Lil' Smokies, my favorite dinner entrée cooked by the one and only gourmet chef I'd ever known, who was pretty as a jewel and knew the answer for every question that popped in my head. And at that time, in those moments, I didn't realize that those would be the memories I would cherish forever. Those were the days- the days I longed to "grow up" and pursue my dreams- to move on to bigger and better things. It was "fun" being a little kid, but I wanted to be a big girl in high school. Then I became that girl in high school who also made great friends and memories, but my mind was focused on heading off to college. And now, here I am, longing for something else. You see? Each time, I want…I want exactly what I don't have at the moment. And each time I get whatever it is I wanted, I want something more or something different.

Do you ever look back and wish you could somehow be whisked away in a time machine? I know I do, and today is one of those days. School has been so hectic and stressful lately, and too many things are starting to get to me. It seems like with each task I complete, 15 more are added to it. And while I'm here trying to sort everything out and get my mind refocused, I am still longing for those summer days of first grade where the biggest concern was what flavor popsicle I would get after a leisurely splash in the lake or a run through the sprinklers. Yes, those were the days. I can't help but wonder if later on, say ten years from now, I will want to be transported back to this season in my life, a season focused on finishing college and pursuing the career I've been working towards. That is the whole point, right? As I reflect on the past, I realize that I am never satisfied, and that with each accomplishment, I am only pushing on towards another goal. While I believe it's important to set goals and work towards them, I also believe that I often get too caught up in it all. Sometimes we all just need to take a big, deep breath and enjoy the moment- the here and now. If we keep looking at the grass that's greener on the other side, we'll miss the beauty of the nature around us. It's so easy to say, but so much harder to do.

Lately, I've really been questioning what God's purpose is for me here on earth. I know that I am supposed to enjoy Him and glorify Him forever, but what is my specific purpose? What does He want me to do? Because if all these dreams I'm chasing are dreams of my own, they will never satisfy- they will never be enough. But, if I am living in the perfect will of my Father, I will be whole and complete- and my soul will find rest. And, as I close this out, I have to bring it back to being a kid. Why was I so happy? Why was it so easy to not care what others thought? Some might say it's because of the lack of responsibility, others might say it's due to the lack of worldly awareness of what's going on. And while I agree with those in part, I can't help but wonder if it's because we were doing exactly what God created us to do. We weren't caring about the specific details of the future, about our status, about our body image, about our job, or our schooling. We were just being ourselves- God's little creations filled with joy and wonder at the amazement of life and His creation around us. Maybe we can be transported back to those times. Maybe those were the days that were supposed to set a pattern for the rest of our lives, where each morning was a new opportunity to discover and relish in astonishment, and where the cares of the world didn't affect us because we knew they were in someone else's hands, someone else we trusted very much. I may not be five years old anymore, with a popsicle smile and baby fat protruding out of my swimsuit, but I am still a kid. I'm a daughter of God, who shouldn't have to worry about the present or the future, because it's all in His hands…which is why I am planning a beach trip tomorrow- me, God, and the great, vast ocean. I'm just gonna breathe and remember that He's got everything under control. I won't be longing for the good ol' days, but living in the beautiful reality of the present.